Haiku Chat 4 ~ The Stag
Date: July 4th 2006
Topic:
This
Photo Haiku
a stag, solitary
among sunlit grass ~
distant human voices
[N] http://www.wonderhaikuworlds.com/haikufromphoto.php?image=118
[N] a stag solitary among sunlit grasses ~ distant human voices
[S] yes
[N] what i first noticed about this haiku was the misplaced "solitary" so it gets stressed ~
[S] yes i had a doubt about that
[N] i think a comma after stag will make it clearer ~ i had
too
[S] a solitary stag / among sunlit grasses ~ / distant human voices
[S] that is an alternative
[N] your first version is much better
[S] or the correct adjective placement
[S] okay thank you
[N] stag, solitary among sunlit grasses ~ distant human voices
[N] a stag
[S] yes that improves the reading
[N] sunlit grasses roughly indicate summer and you can see the solitude of the stag and the sunlight in the photo
[N] you can feel the stag is listening to something
[S] yes
[N] his ears are directed to distant sounds
[N] when you bring distant human voices it brings in yugen and a vague fear the deer experiences ~
[S] yes ~ it invokes some concern for the deer
[N] the humans could even be hunters looking for venison
[S] yes true
[N] so your last line characteristic our school brings in the hidden but unique perceptive world of the stag
[N] it is human voices as heard and interpreted by a stag
[S] true
[N] the stag is at a moment of decision ~ he is alerted and he intends to react
[N] his solitude also is in reference to alien humans and human voices
[S] yes ~ there is also the sense of the humans encroaching on that alien world
[N] yes
[N]
Karumi is implicit ~ it is just an ordinary event of a stag attending to its ways
[S] sunlit grasses gives the sense of a sacred space
[N] yes
[N] only problem i have is whether the plural grasses looks little
exaggerated
[S] yes maybe
[N] i think grass is implicitly plural
[N] In fact, you and Amanda tend to make plurals more often than others on such words!
Maybe I spread the bad habit!
[S]
[S] a stag, solitary / among sunlit grass ~ / distant human voices
[N] it is better
[S] yes
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