Haiku Chat 8 ~ Empty Way

  

Date: 14 September 2006
Topic: this haiku.

empty way
fallen flowers rest,
new bird songs

[N] empty road / fallen flowers rest in / bird songs

[N] or "empty way" ? 

[S] empty way

[N] Okay

[S] It's more mysterious

[N] I thought so too

[N] Yes

[S] When we read empty way, we don't know what it is

[N] True

[S] Then the haiku shows

[N] It was exactly what I thought too

[N] "Road" became vast and cosmic
...
[N] "empty road" though literal defeats the purpose ~ God language is divine! The word

[S] Surely

[N] Now to this one ~ empty way/ path ~ / fallen flowers rest in / bird songs

[N] I choose "way" ~

[S] Yes
...
[N] empty way/path ~ / fallen flowers rest / in bird songs [ "in" must go to the last line

[S] I still like "way"


[S] "empty path" gives it away immediately

[S] but way doesn't give it away

[N] Okay same with me too

[N] Yes true, that is a very subtle observation ~ I see it now

...
[N] "path" is little too specific and melodramatic


[S] Yes

[N] empty way ~ / fallen flowers rest in / cool bird songs

[S] "way" is challenging

[N] empty way/ path ~ / fallen flowers rest cool / in bird songs

[S] No, this is not the same

[N] "cool" is not needed

[S] empty way ~ / fallen flowers rest / in bird songs

[N] empty way ~ / fallen flowers rest in / bird songs

[N] Okay

[S] Not sure

[N] empty way ~ / fallen flowers rest/ bird songs

[S] empty way ~ / fallen flowers shift / in bird songs

[N] No

[S] Just playing!

[S] empty way/ fallen flowers rest / cool bird songs

[N] I have made the sun wobble on twilight skies to bird music and breeze too often! I know you were playing creating an active verb

[S] Yes, it makes it different

[N] Yes it does

[N] I think that is the best

[S] which?

[N] empty way/ fallen flowers rest / cool bird songs [ in is an appendage here ]

[S] Yes

[S] two implicit kirejis

[N] "cool" / "old" ?

[S] !!

[S] "old" is playful

[S] Like "old film songs"

[N] Yes

[S] "new" bird songs

[N] It brings down the haiku to just "hai hai"

[S] Yes

[N] It is drizzling so "cool" is indicative, but new is better I think

[S] Okay

[S] empty way/ fallen flowers rest / new bird songs

[N] empty way/ fallen flowers rest / new bird songs

[N] "new" also makes a meta point that birds are not repeating the same notes again and again

[S] It begins anew

[S] Yes, true
...

[N] empty way/ fallen flowers rest, / new bird songs

[N] Is the comma necessary?

[N] I think it is

[S] Yes

[S] It improves

[N] Okay thank you

[N] "new" gets a fresh beginning in its elucidation

  




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