Haiku Chat 4 ~ The Stag


Date: July 4th 2006

Topic: This Photo Haiku

a stag, solitary
among sunlit grass ~
distant human voices

[N] http://www.wonderhaikuworlds.com/haikufromphoto.php?image=118

[N] a stag solitary among sunlit grasses ~ distant human voices

[S] yes

[N] what i first noticed about this haiku was the misplaced "solitary" so it gets stressed ~

[S] yes i had a doubt about that

[N] i think a comma after stag will make it clearer ~ i had too

[S] a solitary stag / among sunlit grasses ~ / distant human voices

[S] that is an alternative

[N] your first version is much better

[S] or the correct adjective placement

[S] okay thank you

[N] stag, solitary among sunlit grasses ~ distant human voices

[N] a stag

[S] yes that improves the reading

[N] sunlit grasses roughly indicate summer and you can see the solitude of the stag and the sunlight in the photo

[N] you can feel the stag is listening to something

[S] yes

[N] his ears are directed to distant sounds

[N] when you bring distant human voices it brings in yugen and a vague fear the deer experiences ~

[S] yes ~ it invokes some concern for the deer

[N] the humans could even be hunters looking for venison

[S] yes true

[N] so your last line characteristic our school brings in the hidden but unique perceptive world of the stag

[N] it is human voices as heard and interpreted by a stag

[S] true

[N] the stag is at a moment of decision ~ he is alerted and he intends to react

[N] his solitude also is in reference to alien humans and human voices

[S] yes ~ there is also the sense of the humans encroaching on that alien world

[N] yes

[N] Karumi is implicit ~ it is just an ordinary event of a stag attending to its ways

[S] sunlit grasses gives the sense of a sacred space

[N] yes

[N] only problem i have is whether the plural grasses looks little exaggerated

[S] yes maybe

[N] i think grass is implicitly plural

[N] In fact, you and Amanda tend to make plurals more often than others on such words! Maybe I spread the bad habit!


[S] a stag, solitary / among sunlit grass ~ / distant human voices

[N] it is better

[S] yes


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